school

So this Thursday I start school online. BYUIdaho has a new program. I am scared but super excited. THis will definately be a new experience.

Creeper or just people watcher

I am probably the worst people watcher. I actually had to stop going to the local library to study because I will sit there and watch people go about there everyday lives.

But something that I wish people would just consider is that they are all so important, their story is important. Some people's stories may be more dramatic but they are all of worth. I believe that is one of the reasons why I like to just go up to people and talk to them. Not to say that I am so awesome, but it gives them a boost to have someone go out of their way to approach them. Those people that you talk to in the grocery store or your weighter at dinner need to feel aknowledge them just as much as we need it.

Am I making any sense here?

I guess what I just really want to say is that we should start talking to each other more often and get to know each other.

poetry/writing/musing what ever you want to call it

One of the things that I have discovered about myself is that the wind means something to me. At night when I am walking or just standing outside and the wind starts to blow and the moon shines down i feel connected to everything. I heard it once said that the wind carries the history of the world.

When the wind rustles through the trees it does not carry with it only the cooling relief that we need to this sweet desert but the goings and doings of those around the world. It carrys the kiss and sigh of two teenagers first kiss at the front door, it carries the sound of a mother walking around outside to calm her sick child...

Everything is in the wind! Not only the wonder and joy but also the horror and malice that is inevitable in this world.

Long time no see

So it has been awhile huh? so I have started a new year at Jordan Elementary and am already falling in love with each of these new kids. They already mean so much to me.

Even when they bite and scratch... I heard someone say that you know you love special ed when you have been bitten and you can say that you have had a good day

interesting

I have had friends that decide to go on missions and before they go the end up having a lot of trial or things distract them a lot. Now I know EXACTLY how they feel. I have been worrying about my future career and so much more. I am meeting with my bishop tomorrow to talk about my papers and such. Thank you all for your support!!!

Mission?

So I think that I want to go on a mission.  I want the world to know that their is a God in Heaven that loves them and wants them to have all that they need.  I have always been a big believer that all people need to feel ackowledged.  You do not want to feel that no one in the world knows you are here and that they want nothing to do with you. I really try to talk with everybody that I see. Especially those people who maybe checking me out at the store or getting my food at a restaurant.  People want to feel that they are just another human being and that we are connected. 

What better way could I make people feel loved and noticed than by letting them know of Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ, and all the love and hope they have for that one person.

I feel so inadequate in so many ways. I know that I need to be more charitable towards people and I need to gain a better understanding of the scriptures and SOOOO much more. But all things are possible with the help of the Lord!

   I would love any advice or feedback!!!!!!!

CARS!!!

So this weekend Samira, Stanley, mom and I went up north to visit. We stopped by Stanley's grandparents house and they had these beautiful baby's in their garage. Fully restored '54 Plymouth and a '76 hardback cutlass camero. They were GORGEOUS!! I want to go to a couple classic car shows here in the valley. Im more of a fan for classic cars not new racing cars. But I do love watching races.

I love Shakespeare

Shall I Compare Thee To A Summer's Day?
by William Shakespeare (1564-1616)

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate. Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, And summer's lease hath all too short a date. Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines, And often is his gold complexion dimm'd; And every fair from fair sometime declines, By chance or nature's changing course untrimm'd; But thy eternal summer shall not fade Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st; Nor shall Death brag thou wander'st in his shade, When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st: So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

This poem is so hauntingly poetic

Please Hear What I'm Not Saying
Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them is me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled,
for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well
as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one,
but don't believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope,
and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
from my own self-built prison walls,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to, I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,
will not be followed by love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,
with a facade of assurance without
and a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.
I don't like hiding.
I don't like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings--
very small wings,
very feeble wings,
but wings!
With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator--
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.
Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach to me
the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.
Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.
Charles C. Finn
September 1966

favorite flower

I love these flowers! My favorite flower are these and just regular lillys. Anybody want to send them to me for my birthday? haha jk

we are crazy

Sorry I am in a super blogger mood tonight!! We were goofing around. They mean everything to me!!!

My sissys

These are my sisters!  I love them so much. Alaenya is 12 yrs. older than me and Samira is 3 yrs. older than me.

THE FAMLAM

So this is the FAMILY-

Im the one without a toddler/infant on my lap.  My family is pretty crazy andsometimes we step on eachothers toes but we are family for better or worse.  Im the youngest in my family but I am the tallest, kinda odd huh? The fed-ex as they call me, but I dont mind. Im the best looking arent I? 

My sisters are on each side of me the one on the left is my sister Samira andher daughter Isabella and on the right is my older sister Alaenya with our niece Whitney. Then my mom is the furthest to the right with my nephew Cody.

My time at Jordan Elementary

This job at Jordan has been such an incredible opportunity. The kids crack me up everyday!!!! They each have such amazing personalities.
I just got my review back from the school and they said that they would love to keep me on for next year too! I am still trying to decide with my life. I want to do so much but I am having a hard time deciding which one I want to pursue. Well isnt that the way it goes. ANYWAYS I gotta go

holy cow

So I am SUPER sorry that it has been forever since I made an entry. So no I did not get the job at the bank but I did get a job at Jordan Elementary in Chandler. I work in the Autistic kindergarten. I love it!! They are so much fun. But I am also looking for another part-time job. So if any of you guys here about something let me know!!!

YEAH

I have an interview set up for tomorrow at Compass Bank. Please pray that I get it, it would be a great opportunity!!!!
On a different side, I have now started to really get into herbal teas. I like them, they dont taste too wierd ans they are super healthy.

maybe

The HR department contacted me about setting up an interview. SO I am exstatic!!!! It would be really amazing if I could get this job. Since I would be working full time I would get full benefits, actually I think that even if you work part time you do too. But what ever. 10$ an hour working full time would be great. I also hope that maybe if I in the future I could transfer to another branch.
The plan would be to work full time at the bank and then go to school at night. I am thinking of going to a trade school. I hear that they have classes at night, so that would be awesome. I am hoping to have a the ability to advance myself in the eyes of the Lord, in manner to my education and my monetary supplies.

weight loss

I have finally got used to going to the gym pretty much every day. Now I believe that my main problem is the food. I dont have a problem with veggies, I have a problem with icecream. And my dad keeps buying it hwen I have asked him repeatedly not to get it. I know I eat them still but I hate myself more than anyone knows after I do. But Ibelieve that a big route to my problem is that when I was younger my dad used to buy us food as a way of apology. I tended to believe and think that I would hurt his feelings if I didnt eat them. But what I need to constantly remind myself is that, "He is my dad and a good dad would not be upset if I didnt eat the food." And also just that I dont need it and I need to be stronger than I am.
But I believe that I have gotten better and drinking more water. Which is good. Now if I do drink soda I cant drink that much, I feel gross afterwards. But I jsut know that their is a skinny girl inside me just waiting for me to get my fat butt into gear. Well I gotta boogy, still job hunting :(

haha

I feel kinda funny about doing this but i decided to blog. Somehow it just seems easier than writing down in some journal. Just shows how lazy I have gotten huh? I am really excited about this though, in the off chance that other people than my family reads this, what i have to say may be able to help others, than that will be awesome
I believe that the main reason for this blog thought is to just get my thoughts and ideas out of my head and down so that I can realize me, so that I can Listen to me. I am the youngest in my family and that is many times the suckiest position. I know that many people may be able to debate that but this is my blog and what I say goes. JK I am not that heartless. Well maybe I am:)
I have a real problem with not expressing what I feel and maybe this is how I am going to be able to overcome that. But WATCH OUT!!!!! I may rant one day and feel completely the opposite the next.